I’m at a loss. I often see the use of the word “triggered” on Tumblr and it appears to have a very different context than I am used to. What’s worse, even within the unconventional usage, I get the hint that there may be several different concepts the word is used for here. What do people mean when they use this term?

As is so often the case, the reason there are several different concepts is that people learn terms from usage, and tend not to notice that they are guessing at the meanings. For instance, you might see a sign at a buffet, by some food under heat lamps:

CAUTION: “HOT”

In this case, people who saw scare quotes used to denote ironic usage, but failed to detect the irony, inferred that quotes were used for emphasis, so they use scare quotes for emphasis. Of course, now people see scare quotes used for emphasis, too, leading to us having a single punctuation cue which means two diametrically opposed things.

Much the same thing is happening with “triggered”. The original meaning has to do with people who have disorders wherein certain events can set off, or “trigger”, particularly significant and often catastrophic outcomes. For instance, flashing lights may trigger seizures in some people, or loud noises can trigger PTSD. Now, think back to the scare quotes, and you can see what happens. People see someone refer to something as “triggering”, and other people stop doing that thing, or take steps to make it easy to avoid (say, providing a tag to let people avoid posts containing that thing). So they learn that “triggered by X” means “experiencing a desire not to see X which other people are obliged to accommodate”.

So people who realize that other people are obliged to accommodate their desire not to see a given thing will of course refer to the experience of seeing it as “triggering”, and ask for “trigger warnings”. It would probably be best if everyone simply agreed on this protocol. After all, then instead of having to write angry and threatening letters to a newspaper for covering a wedding, people could have politely asked that reporters tag stuff involving same-sex weddings, explaining that they want a trigger warning. Westboro Baptist Church could use tumblr savior to filter out anything involving gays, and everyone else could filter out “#tw: westboro”.

rockpapertheodore asked helpymchelperson:

I don’t know how to make jokes, Helpy. What can I do to make people laugh at my attempts at humor?

You’re set! Don’t learn how to make jokes. Make them anyway. People will laugh at your attempts at humor.

Anonymous asked helpymchelperson:

How do I become Death, the destroyer of worlds?

People often think this will be easy, like running away to join the orchestra, but there’s a fairly long and involved process. In fact, just as most people who run away from home to join an orchestra never make it past second-chair rain stick, most people who wish to become death, the destroyer of worlds, end up finding the training, study, and practice a little too intense. I know, you all think this can’t happen to you, but the fact is, it happens to a lot of people, and you need to know why before you pin all your hopes and dreams on it.

Like most careers worth having, a career as death, the destroyer of worlds, begins with a decent high school GPA for most people. However, a GED is acceptable, and if you can build some credible real-world experience, some programs will consider people with relatively little formal education. If you need to go that route, just work a retail customer service desk from December 26-31 in the US. That will usually do it.

Always mindful of the crippling burden of student loans, the union has lobbied aggressively for reform; in most states, you don’t need to start with a four-year liberal arts degree but instead go to a two-year college for vocational training. Be sure to check out the quality of the program; ask them what percentage of their graduates become death, the destroyer of worlds, within ten years. If they claim anything over five percent, they’re liars; don’t bother with them. Most programs will realistically achieve maybe 1-2%. Work hard during the program, and consider summer classes for extra credits, particularly in the fields that will be hardest to reconcile with your schedule later (botany, astronomy, and medieval French literature are common candidates).

With your two-year degree in hand, you are now become a sort of tired feeling, the mild disruption of afternoons. That doesn’t sound like much, but this is where you get to find out whether you’re going to really like the career for its own sake, or whether you were just being drawn in by the glamour. Expect to put in at least a year of real-world work experience; there’s a lovely apprenticeship program. Because personal rapport is so crucial, don’t be shy at all about letting your mentor know if you feel like there’s a personality conflict; the goal of this program is not to try to test your ability to put up with mismatched personalities, it’s to get you the best possible view of how the job would play out for you.

Assuming a successful apprenticeship, now you go back for that four-year degree, but it shouldn’t take you more than three years; if you did the summer school during your vocational degree, you can probably do it in two. But! If you are paying your own way, don’t even think about it — take the third year so you have enough time to sleep occasionally while working your way through school.

At this point, you will have become narcolepsy, the disruptor of plans. Another year of apprenticeship; try to get the same mentor if the previous one worked out, but if you want to try another, there’s no career penalty for doing so. During this year of your apprenticeship, you will spend significant time meditating under waterfalls; take this opportunity to stop and think how devoted you are, because past here you’re not going to be acquiring skills which apply well to any other careers. And for that matter, even if you like this career, you may well be happy with the level of attainment you’ve already got. Not many people make it this far, and you’ve done something you can be legitimately proud of.

If you want to continue, budget three years for the masters program (“severe illness, eliminator of accumulated sick leave”), two more for apprenticeship, four or five years for the doctorate work (“some sort of coma, ender of jobs”), and at least one year each for your dissertation and journeyman work. Complete all that, and you have become death, the destroyer of worlds. Some people will point out that this used to be a lot easier, which is true; in most fields, over time, the standards gradually rise as the field gets better-explored. Back in the day, you could come in with a doctorate in another field entirely, design one deadly toy, and get an honorary title.

Helpy! I appear to have been turned into a giant centipede! Every time I go out in public, I’m surrounded by shouts of, “Oh my god! A giant centipede!” Then people throw shoes at me. I don’t want to scare anyone; I just want to go about my business as usually. How can I avoid getting hit with shoes when I go out to buy my groceries?

Don’t think that just because the Austro-Hungarian empire is no longer recognizably in place, you can get away with this kind of cultural appropriation. Helpy totally sees what you are doing here, trying to not only claim their cultural heritage, but claim to be 16 times better at it. You need to admit it: You have always been a giant centipede. This is not a change in who you are, it’s just coming to recognize something that was always true. If you think back to your childhood, you will realize it’s been like this all along.

You seem to have a couple of misunderstandings. First off, the thing with the shoes is like the way people toss coins in hats for musicians; everyone knows centipedes can’t afford shoes. Try them on, keep the ones that fit, and thank the crowd as a whole graciously. Remember not to thank individual people; that can create awkwardness. To avoid being hit by the shoes, acquire fifty tower shields, and hold them up with half of your legs, creating a shield wall; you’ll find the awkward motions of walking on only fifty legs a little tricky at first, but you’ll soon find it as natural as anything else.

Also, remember that in some cases, what you are seeing is not fear, but a fetish. If someone screams “Oh my god! A giant centipede!”, throws a shoe at you, and runs away, watch to see whether they periodically stop to see whether you’re following. With experience, you’ll quickly learn which people are hoping you’ll follow them to a coffee shop where you can flirt over iced mocha until evening, then sneak out to the park to steal a boat from the little rental shop for an assignation under the stars.

Helpy, I ended up having to take a gap year because I couldn’t pull myself together enough to complete basic paperwork. Now I am staring down another one, unless I complete a personal essay in the next few days or give up and go to school in Nebraska. I hate Nebraska. I would hate myself for going to Nebraska. I realize the obvious answer here is “write the essay”, but still I am having difficulties. Also, nothing important has ever happened to me. What do I do?

First, stop saying mean things about Nebraska. Nebraska is crying because Nebraska always had a secret crush on you and just found out about the hate thing from this post.

Since this question came in some time ago, you’ve already missed the deadline on the essay. Not a problem. In two or three years, send in a personal essay on the topic of procrastination. Enjoy your art degree.

Anonymous asked helpymchelperson:

how do I get my drunk dad to leave when he’s in my bedroom? It’s a bit scary.

Turn on the lights, turn off the music. If he hasn’t got a ride, call him a cab. Do not return his keys. Also, be very sure he leaves through the correct door; drunk people are highly susceptible to closet monsters.

Helpy, what does a rubber duck with glasses drawn on want for christmas?

Helpy wants very much to transcend desire, but probably won’t actually appreciate it once he gets it. Mostly, Helpy likes to get people “I didn’t get you anything so you don’t feel obligated to go to the mall on my account”, because most people turn out to appreciate that more than nearly anything else.

How does a rubber ducky type replies, anyway?

Ergonomic keyboard with a Dvorak layout, of course.

Did anybody ever get around to figuring out if beauty was truth?

Well, sort of. It’s been established that they are different, but nowadays they are mostly called bottom and top, respectively.