(ps if that last ask wasn’t on anon, could you perhaps publish it anonymously? please and thank)
Helpy regrets to inform you that he can only publish under his own name, but he did note that your question itself came in anonymously, and he left it that way. Despite knowing exactly who you are because Helpy knows all and sees all.
Helpy, I’m in an unhappy situation. A friend asked if she could visit me this weekend. All good. Right after we set that up, a BIG gathering of friends was planned in my hometown, which I can’t go to, because prior commitments. Sucks, but them’s the breaks. However, this friend is doing her level best to wreck the weekend, like putting off the drive from Friday, then waking up at four frigging PM on Saturday. What’s the best way to avoid taking this frustration out on her when she gets here?
Start immediately. Call her and tell her that there’s been unforseen changes, and you’ve moved. Give her new directions. Then go to the big gathering of friends while she drives to Reykjavik.
Helpy, I feel guilty whenever I inflict negative consequences on someone else, even if the consequences are things like “receiving an official reprimand due to harassing others”. So basically, even when people do bad things to me, and that information should be shared, I feel guilty about sharing it. I don’t think I’m overreacting but I feel like I should be able to be emotionally disconnected, or not have any reaction at all. How do I stop feeling guilty?
If you feel guilty about a thing, and don’t want to, your options are generally to stop doing the thing, start thinking of the thing as not being harmful, or be a sociopath. Obviously, what you’re doing is important and useful to society at large. You can be reasonably confident that the consequences are genuinely negative, or they wouldn’t be there as consequences in the first place. So your best bet is probably to become a sociopath. Luckily, if you check the backs of matchbooks, where there used to be a little thing inviting you to learn to become a cartoonist, now there will sometimes be a picture of a little fly, with a note saying “If You Can Draw And Quarter Winky, You Can Be A Politician!” You send the mutilated fly in for a professional evaluation to see whether you qualify for a scholarship.
In fact, the whole thing is a scam; there are actually no scholarships, and the real goal is to entangle you in a confused mess of misleading offers and rate schemes designed to drain every penny you have and leave you with no trust or faith in the human spirit at all. At this point, you can run for public office, and you will quickly find that you no longer experience guilt or remorse for anything.
Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:
Helpy, I am interviewing for jobs and very anxious about it. When an interviewer asks me questions, I seem to lose all ability to assemble a coherent sentence. What can I do to calm my nerves?
The need to find out what an employee would be like when less anxious led to a practice, widespread in the 1970s, called “drug testing” of prospective hires. Unfortunately, while the practice has fallen by the wayside, the name has been reused for what turns out to be an entirely different (and significantly less informative) practice, which is frankly a load of piss.
If you can find an organization which is hiring for a staff Dadaist, you will find that your interview “problems” have become interview “solutions”. This is a desireable outcome, except that the position turns out to pay only in colorless green ideas, which you mustn’t wake. And that’s not, for once, a euphemism for “US currency”.
Your best bet is probably to attain enlightenment, freeing your mind from the fetters and chains of anxiety. The only reliable way known to achieve this result is to hand the Dalai Lama a driver on the first tee.
Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:
Helpy, I’ve just moved to a new town to start my first full-time job, and I am lacking in friends and friendship-initiating skills. How can I bend new acquaintances to my will and mold them into my bffs 5ever?
You can’t. What you can do is bend to their wills. Most people have exactly your problem, and cannot compel other people to adapt to them. They will cling eagerly to anyone who cares to try to adapt to them. They may be so grateful that they attempt to adapt to you, as well.
You may find it useful to think of friendship as being sort of like a bonsai tree. If you maintain it very carefully, and with great attention to detail, you can produce something absolutely beautiful, also tiny and stunted, after about 30-40 years. Do remember to check people for allergies to copper wire, though, because if that gives them a rash, you’re going to have to be a lot more careful about shaping.
Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:
Helpy, my life is in such a state that I’m ready to take advice from a rubber duck. What is something, anything, that can help?
With any luck, the rubber duck you take advice from can help!
But you probably want something more specific. Write down your top five problems. Here’s the solutions:
Unfortunately, it’s possible that the solutions are out of order. Arrange to taste.
Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:
Helpy, I think I hurt someone with something I said, but thinking back on it I now realize I used the wrong words for what I meant. Should I attempt to clarify my miscommunication, or would it be better to apologize and leave it at that?
Clarifying might well resolve the symptom, but it would not solve the underlying problem; the real problem is that this person can be hurt by words. You should fix the underlying problem. Identify the words which hurt them, and repeat those words over and over until they lose all meaning and become merely sounds. Then keep going for another day or so, and the words will never return to having meaning again, rendering the person immune to further hurt.
Of course, you should apologize before doing this, because afterwards it will be impossible for them to comprehend what you are apologizing for, as the words will have lost all meaning to them.
Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:
I really wanted to submit a question to Helpy, but couldn’t exactly figure out what to ask. That’s when I realized I should ask Helpy what I should ask Helpy! So Helpy, what should I ask you?
You should ask Helpy for advice. In general, your intuition about the fields of expertise typical for a rubber ducky with glasses drawn on should serve you well. Here are some typical questions you might ask:
Feel free to make up your own! You will likely find, as you go about your day, that occasionally you just aren’t sure. Ask Helpy! Helpy would be glad to advise you.
Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:
Helpy, how do I align the morally acceptable with the socially appropriate?
There are two basic strategies you can take. You will need to start by taking over a major church, or an advertising agency, in order to change what is morally acceptable, or socially appropriate, respectively. Once you are in control of one of them, you can change it to match the other.
Of course, Helpy may be jumping the gun by assuming you wish to align them throughout your society, and are not merely referring to two specific people, each of whom has one of those as their most distinctive trait. If it’s just the two people, all you need is a number of sticks of equal length (a meter or so should be fine) and some duct tape.
Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:
Helpy, the world is complicated and rules have too many exceptions. Are there any good life rules or ethical codes I can live by without always having to second guess myself?
Yes. All of them! You never really have to second guess yourself. A casual survey of the general population reveals that every good life rule or ethical code out there has people who live by it and don’t second guess themselves.
